My big wedding is making me anxious!

“I feel quite anxious around large groups of people, and for our wedding I’ve always imagined something small and intimate. However, my partner wants to invite his whole extended family, which would make it a much bigger event than I’m comfortable with. I don’t want to upset him, but I also don’t want to feel overwhelmed on our wedding day. How do we find a compromise?”

This is one of those moments where your wedding is actually a training ground for marriage. Because what you’re really navigating here isn’t just a guest list or your anxiety, it’s how the two of you handle having different needs without one of you feeling like you’ve lost.

And if you can reframe it slightly, there’s actually something quite positive in that. This is a real opportunity to learn how to meet in the middle in a way that still honours both of you.

I’d start by not getting stuck on the surface issue. It’s not really about numbers.

For you, this is about how you feel. Calm, safe, present, not overwhelmed, actually enjoying the day.

For your partner, it’s probably not just about having “more people.” It’s about family, inclusion, pride, not wanting to leave people out.

Both of those things are good things. And this is the bit that’s worth holding onto. You’re not on opposite sides here, you’re bringing two valuable perspectives. You’re likely more sensitive, thoughtful about how things feel. He’s more expansive, proud, wanting to celebrate big. Neither is wrong.

So the question becomes, how do you take the best of both and build something from there?

This is where it helps to get really clear on what each of you needs, not just what you prefer. Needs are where real compromise happens. Preferences are where people tend to dig their heels in.

Because if one of you ends up with a day that feels overwhelming, or the other feels like something really important was missing, that doesn’t just disappear after the wedding. It lingers.

So the goal isn’t to “meet in the middle” in a flat, unsatisfying way. It’s to design something that actually works for both of you.

That might mean rethinking the structure, not just the size. A smaller, more intimate ceremony where you feel calm and present, and then a bigger celebration where he gets that sense of family and inclusion. Or being really intentional about who truly needs to be there versus who feels like obligation.

It also means being honest, properly honest. Not just “I’d prefer it smaller,” but “I’m worried I’ll feel overwhelmed and not like myself on the day.” That gives him something real to understand.

And equally, really understanding him. Who are the people he genuinely cares about being there? What would feel missing for him if they weren’t?

The only thing I’d be careful of is one of you quietly conceding just to keep the peace. That’s where resentment starts. And it’s rarely about the wedding itself, it’s about the pattern you set.

So instead of asking who’s right, come back to this. What would a version of this day look like where we both actually feel good?

That’s the muscle you’re building here. And it matters far more than the guest list itself.